In the End, Everything Should Matter

I tried so hard, and got so far…

Depression wins, again.

As I was sitting by myself, eating lunch, my boyfriend texted me a link titled “Linkin Park Singer Chester Bennington Dead, Commits Suicide by Hanging.” All I could think was, “Are you kidding me?” mixed with a bit of speechlessness. It seems as though many people are still dealing with the similar death of Chris Cornell from just a few months ago, but now… this? And what’s even eerier is that today is also Cornell’s birthday. He would’ve been 53.

Please understand I am not trying to be insensitive. I apologize if that is how I come across.

I wouldn’t consider myself the biggest Linkin Park fan or anything, but I definitely respect their art and the genre of music they sparked in the early 2000’s. Their music was certainly a part of my childhood and early teen years. I comprehended the message of “Somewhere I Belong” because I too wanted somewhere I thought I could just be myself, be happy.

I will never know myself until I do this on my ownAnd I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healedI will never be anything ’til I break away from meAnd I will break away, and find myself today.

As someone who has struggled with depression for 15 years, I can say with certainty that I can empathize. Yes, I understand what it’s like to have repetitive dark thoughts that won’t go away. Yes, I have faced brooding suicidal tendencies. Yes, I have lost people close to me from depression and suicide. But… because of all of these experiences, I also know what is left behind when someone succumbs to darkness.

There is guilt, anger, confusion, sadness, and any other negative emotion you can think of that haunts for quite a long time. People, friends, and family are left to deal with those inner demons. I think why my initial reaction to Bennington’s death was more angry than anything is because, quite frankly, I am perplexed at the amount of successful, talented people with loving friends and family that just give it up. It’s not only musicians. Remember Robin Williams or Heath Ledger? But also consider these other artists: Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Amy Winehouse, Layne Staley, Scott Weiland, Chris Cornell… I know many of these people not only dealt with depression and/or anxiety, but in several instances fought severe drug addiction.

I think that we, as human beings, should practice a little more kindness and empathy towards everyone. Show that the world isn’t completely full of shit. If you see someone suffering from a loss, be there for them. If you or someone you know mentions suicide or dark thoughts, don’t brush it off! Talk with them all night if that’s what they need. Give them a hug. Make them dinner. Write a thoughtful letter. If I could go back to age 16 and talk to my (now deceased) friend, I would’ve encouraged him to hold on. And to kick each day’s ass. Carpe freaking diem.

Life is not worthless. Every thought, every action, has a purpose.

In the end, everything should matter.

-K

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